I stand amazed

Currently, I am sitting in my lawn chair in the front yard;)  Soaking in the sun and typing a blog.  Cal and I just got back from a little run and he is sleeping(good boy.)  Being a stay at home mommy has it's perks.  

We are nearing the first birthday of our little man.  A year ago today, I went to the doctor and was pretty discouraged b/c I was a week overdue!!  The doctor wanted to induce today(a year ago.)  I begged for one more week.  I was a hugely fate preggo lady and I was having to deal with annoying 8th graders.  Today I sit here a totally different person.  I have learned so much from our bundle of joy.  I sit here a much more sanctified mommy.  I know what self sacrifice means a whole lot more than I did last year.  And I know what it means to love a human that can't do anything to declare his love to you.  And at times seems to dislike me very much.  

Here we are....one year later.  Drew and I's lives are so much better.  Our marriage is so much better.  We would not return to a year ago.We love raising Calvin and can't wait for more little ones made in the image of our Creator to come along.  It is a heavy task.  At times it is a frustrating and mentally draining task.  But isn't everything good hard sometimes?  It's soo worth it.  We're totally in love with our walking, babbling, loving, happy, little boy.  We stand in awe of our gracious Creator.  We don't deserve our little blessing.  But we're overjoyed for this year and we will cherish every memory.  I went into this year wanting to enjoy every moment.  And I have been blessed to stay at home and not miss one thing.  And the Lord has graciously allowed us to enjoy Calvin.  

We got home from our walk today.  What a beautiful day.  I told Calvin all about the God of the sky and how He is Calvin's Creator too.  And how much God loves Him.  And how much Mommy and Daddy pray he will surrender soon to Him.  I told him about Jesus and how I wouldn't give Cal over to anyone.  But God the Father in His infinite mercy gave His Son.  For Mommy and Daddy and for Calvin and for His unborn siblings.  And I told Him that Mommy and Daddy believe in this God just like we believe the sun rises in the morning and that we believe His so good and all satisfying.  And we pray to live this out in front of Cal his whole life.  And we pray Cal comes to believe these things too.

We got home from our wonderful walk.  I took my little blessing out of the stroller and watched him toddle around the yard.  Picking up sticks and pointing and saying "cat."  (He knows the cat is outside. But it was nowhere to be found.) He turned and said momma while clapping his hands and grinning from ear to ear. I remembered bringing him home from the hospital.  A screaming 7 pd. alien.  I remember every single new trick he has learned.  With tears streaming down my face I bent down and told Cal just how much mommy loved him and just how proud I was of him.  I just stood amazed and watched our little baby who has turned into a little pre-toddler.  The best year of our lives so far.  And I can't wait to see what the rest of our journey holds.

Thankful for...

We've had a rough couple weeks. I don't plan on writing all of my inside feelings down on the blog. Maybe in a few years.

But when push comes to shove or you're living in the valley you get thankful for things. So, in the midst of deep grief and sadness I'm thankful for...

1. Sustaining grace: Enough said. I would die without Jesus. He is my hope.

2. Sisters: I love, love my sisters (and my bros too;) I have always known I could not do life without them. But now I know it even more. They are my best buddies. They are very different and very similar. We share a bond that will never be broken. Even though I refuse to get "sistas 4 life" tatooed on my rear. I'm the one thats holding out. And I fully expect to one day be kidnapped by the crazy pair and dragged into a tatoo parlor. I have been so proud of the both of them lately and the wonderful women that they are. I have needed them so much and well they've been there. I have missed them both b/c I'm the freak that lives the farthest away.

3. Hubbies- I love mine. He's my bestest bud and he gets me. He's a servant. He lives life with me, even the hard parts. I also love my sissies hubbies. They are just what they need. I'm so thankful we have great hubbies.

4. Chocolate- Yes, I have eaten much of it lately. I LOVE chocolate. It's good for the soul.

5. My baby that's sleeped trained. Disagree with me all you want. Go ahead. Sleep training has been such a blessing. I can leave Cal and I know he will fall asleep for Godzilla if he had to. He has slept in so many places lately. It has been a blessing. I'm so thankful I did sleep training. We all got good sleep even in weird places. It makes grief much easier. And now that he has RSV (another post, another time) I'm even more thankful. He is only waking up once for a breathing treatment and then going back to sleep at night (thank you Lord.) Sleep is good.

6. Cooking- I LOVE cooking. I have tried applesauce bread this week. All whole wheat made with honey no white anything. YUMMY. We ate the whole loaf. Cooking is good.

7. PJ's. With RSV we don't go anywhere. I'm well aware that there could be a chronic lung patient the next aisle over in Target. So, Cal has been confined to the house. Well, one walk. And when a little girl was coming to touch the "baby." I calmly looked at her mom and said "he has rsv." which is similiar to announcing that your child has the plague. Pj's are wonderful.

8. Laughter- I think I realize the goodness of laughter even more everyday. Life is funny. Life is hard. Laugh. To prove my point. I was trying to clean this nasty house with my RSV infant following behind me or really tugging at my leg and babbling bye, bye momma, momma. So, he finally seemed busy with one of his toys (or so I thought.) I had just gotten done cleaning our bedroom and came back into the living room and found my sweet child with chocolate all over his face licking the spoon that Drew had "forgotten" to take to the dishwasher last night after he had eaten his chocolate chip cookies. Cal gave me a big grin as if to say "MMM chocalate is good, please don't spank me." I laughed my face off, picked Cal up, washed his face. (Calvin did not think it was funny when I took the yummy spoon away.)

9. Law and oder SVU-good show. I have to be careful b/c I can get freaked out.

Cal's turning one soon....wow!

Almost 9 months:)

I was at a birthday party for a little boy that I just love at our church when another mom looked at me and said "You'll be doing this soon."  I've been thinking today about the past 9 months and how fast they have flown by.  I think I have learned a few things.  Like everything we do in life, I love the way we have done some things and I will do some things differently if/when God gives us another little blessing.

THINGS I ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT CHANGE:

1.  Having a baby young.  We love being young parents.  We got lots of rude comments when pregnant.  "Wow. That was fast." "You didn't have much time together."  "Babies make everything harder."  ETC.!!!!  We have found none of these to be true.  We're still very in love, love being parents, take time out to just spend together.  WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY LOVED BEING YOUNG PARENTS!!!!!  I'm a proud 23 year old with a cute little 9 month old.  It's what God had for us and we're so thankful.

2.  Babywise.  I'm not a babywise freak.  I have many wonderful friends who do things differently.  I'm really into doing what's best for you and your baby.  For me and mine we will always have a schedule.  I work on a schedule.  I found my little man does too.

3.  Living in the moment.  I feel looking back that for the most part we have done this well.  We have really enjoyed Cal this year.  Every new step we have both been there for, gooing at our little man hand in hand.  I'm so thankful that the Lord has allowed us to really enjoy him this far.  

4.  Reserving time for family.  Drew is bi-vocational.  It gets hard.  Saturdays for the most part are our day.  Night time we spend it together.  We do very little actually at night.  I cook dinner, we eat together, we hang out and watch some movies.  We do hang out with friends, church family, but we keep the 3 of us at at the highest priority.

5.  Asking your spouse for help.  I'm madly in love with Drew and he's a GREAT dad.  We do things together.  Even if it's at 3 in the morning with a sick baby.  We're both up, taking care of the squeak, encouraging the other one.  We have found the Lord is gracious by giving one of us the strength and piece of mind to stay sane.  

6.  Calvin- We couldn't have asked for a better baby:)  We sometimes tear up just by looking at him.  He has been the greatest blessing.  He has opened so many doors for the gospel.  And he has helped us to combat horrible abortion in Louisville.  

7.  Being a stay at home mom.  We don't drive the nicest car and we don't eat out every night.  It's not easy or luck.  It's hard.  We coupon, shop sales, I cook 6 nights a week, Drew always packs his lunch.  BUT it's all worth it.  It was our choice.  I love staying in my pj's most days.  I would not change this for the world.  Thank you Lord for providing Drew a job where I can stay home.

THINGS I'LL DO DIFFERENTLY NEXT TIME AROUND (NO I'M NOT PREGNANT, BUT HOPEFULLY, IT WON'T BE TOO LONG.)

1.  Breathe-  The first two weeks of mothering are well....exhausting.  My journals these first two week don't even makes sense.  Next time I hope to breathe more.  And realize I will once again sleep.

2.  Cuddle up that baby in the middle of the night/Cherish the 3 am feeding.  THe 3 am feeding was my prayer time.  It was sweet.  I read lots of Scripture.  I felt carried by our gracious Lord.  I hope to enjoy this more next time around.  And I miss cuddling Calvin.  This was really the only time he would really cuddle up and I miss it.

3.  Get used to the crying- It's the way babies talk.  I'm pretty used to it now.  And I hope to stay that way.  So, the babies crying...it will stop.  The baby  will fall asleep and if not turn the music up loud and have a dance party.  Drew and I have often turned up the music and laughed.  

4.  Don't freak out about a missed nap.  The grocery store is a must, people will stop by and be loud, etc.  I've become a lot more laid back (okay, sometimes I still freak out).  I hope to stay laid back and understand the big picture.

5.  More date nights.  Drew and I have always loved staying home.  We've only been out by ourselves like 3 times since the baby has been born.  Hopefully, I can let the next one out of my sight a little more.

6.  BE MORE BLUNT ABOUT RUDE COMMENTS-  I usually just smile when people say something about the blessing children are.  No, I'm not planning on having 20.  YES, I love children.  Yes, he cries.  Yes, I plan to have more.  No, I don't know how many.  Yes, we use birth control sometimes.  Yes, I HATE ABORTION.  No, I don't care about over-population.  No, I haven't figured out how to put another baby in our 2 bedroom apartment.  Yes, I trust Jesus and know he'll tell me when my child bearing years are finished...I don't know what this means.  We're still figuring it out.  I don't think two is the perfect number nor do I think 20 is.  Leave us alone:)  But just to put you at rest we plan on having 5.4 children in the next 10.4 years.  

7.  Help other mommas out more and be more compassionate about infertility.  Enough said.

Thanks for reading.  It's our 9 months in review.  I will try not to be the teary mom on his first birthday.  I STINKIN LOVE THIS CHILD!!!!!!!!

Baby on speed

Many of you who have meet my little man know that he's well...a bit active (too say the least!)  Somedays I think he might kill me.  I do enjoy him being active.  He's so fun.  I can chase him all day and he always laughs really hard.  BUT I can not leave him alone for 1 second.  If I did he would probably tear the house down.    Let's just take a trip down his progression of activity levels.  

1 day old-holding up his head.  Not kidding.  He would also turn his head sharply at any small sound.  

9 weeks old- He rolled.  Not once. He kept rolling.  He would take him awhile, but he would roll.

12 weeks- rolling both sides.  Rolling to get things now:) 

I can't remember when he sat up..but it was early.

6 months, 1 day.  Crawling...everywhere:)

6 months, 3 weeks- pulling up to his feet.

8 months-(which would be now).  Into everything.  Hitting his head constantly.  I call him puppy...his always at my feet.  When he's hungry he babbles "mommma" and crawls to me.  He's such a momma's boy.  I walk out of the room and he cries.  He goes crazy during his independent play time.  Which I have to admit is pretty cute;)

My son is a ham and he's crazy.

1.  He has called 911.  At like 6 months old.  He finds Drew's phone and I'm guessing he hold down 9.  The emergency response calls us back.

2.  While walking past a little old lady with white hair.  He decides to reach out and grab to her hair.  She starts screaming ouch and I look behind me and Cal is pulling her with us by her hair.  After this day I started pulling his hair when he pulled mine.

And many, many other things.  The kid is insane, a great sleeper, loves his momma and dada, is smiley, has SO much personality, loads of fun.  When I lay my head down at night...I've had a run for my money.

I love this kid....and I love him growing up...I love watching him change and his sweet personality coming out more and more each day.  

I'd marry you again

Today as I was playing with Calvin I glanced up and Drew and I's wedding picture caught my eye. I smiled to myself and briefly thought about the last 2 1/2 years we've spent married. Tears silently rolled down my face and I hugged Calvin and told him how much I loved his Daddy. I wake up every morning to a hungry baby and a smiling hubby. He kisses me before he goes to work. I play with our love child:) and eagerly wait to hear his voice when he calls at lunch. And I always look forward to him coming home. We spend our nights just the three of us. We put our baby to bed and spend time talking and laughing about what the day has held. We fall asleep snuggled up together. When Drew says "I love you" right before he falls asleep I smile because I know it's true.

Life as married, new parents is not always easy. I have screamed at the top of my lungs for my deep sleeping husband to wake up at 2 am and help me with our 18 pd. baby boy. I have cried in his arms after a hard day at home. I have been overwhelmed and been so thankful when Drew walks in with take out. It's hard, but it's good. Our laughs way outweigh the tears. Our love way outweighs the hard times. Our life is better than it was 5 years ago at Zaxby's when Drew told me he wanted to date me. We're best friends. There is no one I would rather "do" life with. And we're making our family. We're not perfect, but each day life gets better. Life is about this...loving Jesus, my family, serving the local church, spreading the good news.

So, yeah. I'd marry you again. I would not change one thing about our life. If we live to be 81..we will have been married 60 years. And I pray to look at you the same way I do now. Full of love and living in the moment together. And hopefully, with lots of grandbabies and great-grandbabies running around us. Christ is good. So, is marriage.

My heart is breaking for you

Gather Round, Ye Children Come Listen to the Old, Old Story.........

God made man in His image.  Adam and Eve lived with God in perfect unity.  They ate freely from the tree of Life.  Adam and Eve walked with God.  The reality of God was before their faces.  Adam and Eve rebelled against their Creator and the lover of their souls.  Adam and Eve  were cast out of the garden.  They could no longer eat from the tree of Life.  Death, terror, murder, anxiety, rape, hunger entered the world.  The horror Adam and Eve must have felt can not be thought of.  They remembered what they had left and they knew they must raise their children in this fallen world.  We are the sons of Adam and Eve.  Far removed from the garden.  We still live in a fallen world.  We read the stories of the priests offering sacrifices for the sins of the people.  We see the picture from early on in Genesis that blood must be paid for sins.  Sin must be punished.  God in His great mercy sent His Son to redeem His children back to Himself.  His Son came, lived a perfect life,  took on the sins of all those who would believe, He died, but on the third day, HE ROSE.  He rose victorious over sin.  God's children can now return to Him.  No more would the blood of animals be needed.  The blood of Christ paid the penalty in full.  For everyone who would repent and believe new life is offered.  The children of God now have full access to the true of life once more through the blood of Christ.  How good is this story, how true is this story.  I forget this story.  I take this story for granted.  I forget it when I go to sleep at night.  Won't you remind me in the morning.  Won't you remind me of reality?  The reality that Christ is truly Risen and seated at the Right hand of God the Father.  That we serving a living Christ, a loving Christ.  

We must get back to the basics.  Scripture is true.  The story that God has penned really does penetrate hearts and transform sinners.  I need no other knowledge outside of the saving knowledge of God's word.  Is the story making a difference in your life?  Is it making a difference in my life?  Do I daily remember the story?  It tells me all I need to know:  where I came from, where I am now, and where I am headed.  

We get into trouble when we leave the story.  When we venture beyond the Word.  Philosophy will not save the soul.  The gospel that I make up or even the one I believe won't save the soul.  The gospel of Jesus Christ, found in the inspired Word of God will save the soul.  

Don't forsake the Word of God.  Don't venture beyond it's pages.  To the seminarian who spends all day huddled over a book, who can recite the 5 points of Calvinism but can't remember the last time he/she shared the gospel....return to the pages of Scripture.  We are called to action.  To the postmodern believer...STOP, return to the literal, inspired Word of God.  Don't forsake truth.  Don't by into Satan's lies that all roads lead to the same place or the notion that God will let everyone in.  Read the pages of Scripture.  Cling to the story, forsake lies, be moved to action.  Scream at the top of your lungs like the prophet Ezekiel..."Why would you die O man, why would you die."

I have often found that people tend to cling to one verse of Scripture.  I do believe this is beneficial.  But how much more beneficial to cling to the story as a whole.  We need the whole story.  Example:  If you go on visit someone in the hospital.  Don't run in with Romans 8:28...they are living this verse...in fact there hearts probably ring truer with the truth of this verse than yours.  Take the story.  The reason why sickness feels so wrong is because we were made for eternity.  We weren't meant for sickness.  Sickness is a result of the fall.  But God has redeemed and has a purpose even in sickness.  Our bodies will be raised one day.  Our souls have been remade.  Now we cry, death where is your sting.  Because we are headed back to Eden.  This is reality....Christ is victorious even over sickness.

I love the song below:  Remember it's true.  Live life in the reality of Jesus Christ...in the story He has written.  Tell yourself it's true..

In your heart you hope it's true
Though you hold no expectation
In the deepest part of you
there's an open hesitation

But it's true
Kingdoms and crowns
The God who came down
To find you

"This is my season."

A mentor of mine told me while I was pregnant "Enjoy your season.  It's short and enjoy it."  What she was meaning of course is that this little boy I was about ready to give birth to would grow quickly.  And that I had a window or season for me to be the most central person in his life.  I remember these words daily.  It's why I decided to not go back to work even though money would be tight.  This is my season.  It will be for some time.  But I am aware that the day will come when I will release the arrow that I sweated over into the world.  I pray for the woman he will marry daily.  His life is before my eyes.  I pray for a balance of mothering that will allow me to love him deeply but give him up joyfully.  I look into these big blue eyes and see such a future.  A future of standing behind him rooting him on.  Of loving my son unconditionally.  Of picking him up when he falls.  Of guiding his life.  By grace pointing him to the cross.  Of one day by grace seeing him bow His knee to King Jesus.  

I can see it in mothers eyes when I walk past.  Eyes of remembering when they held their children as infants.  Longing eyes that want to remember what it was like to be a new mom.   Eyes that have proudly watch their children age.  I see through their eyes to hearts that have stored up precious memories of their children.  I think it's why all mothers love to hold newborn babies.  

I pray for no regrets here.  I pray to savor every second.  To cherish every moment.  To never wish him to be older or to be at the next stage of parenting.  "This is my season."  I refuse to let it pass by without notice.  I will store up my memories and understand the treasures they are.  I will pray him through every step of his life God-willing.  And one day by grace I will be ready to let him go with no regrets.  The "this is my season" advice is one of the best pieces of advice I have received.  I'm actively storing away memories of him.  The way he smiles first thing in the morning.  The way he lovingly looks at Drew and I.  The precious face he makes when Drew showers him.  The way he kicks his legs when he gets excited.  Memories of him nursing.  The first time he rolled over, the first time him laughed, etc. 

We took Cal swimming yesterday.  It was SO much fun.  He loved it!  Didn't cry at all.  I even put him almost all the way under.  He looked at me like "I trust you Mom."  I personally believe we have the most adorable baby in the world:)  Have I said yet that I absolutely LOVE staying home.  Best job I have ever had!  I'm so thankful that I'm able to stay home this year.